


no sweeter innocence than our gentle sin

by cashtonkink



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Catholicism, Church Sex, First Time Blow Jobs, Hand Jobs, Homophobia, Innocent Calum Hood, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Phone Sex, Religious Conflict, Religious Content, Religious Fanaticism, Slow Build, Verbal Humiliation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-03
Updated: 2019-03-18
Packaged: 2019-09-06 10:01:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 13,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16830391
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cashtonkink/pseuds/cashtonkink
Summary: [REPUBLISHED DUE TO TECHNICAL ERROR, you should still read it tho]offer me that deathless death; good god, let me give you my life.





	1. thou shalt have no other gods before me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi everyone! apologies if this work has inconsistent references to catholicism or anything slightly religious; i don’t and have never practiced organized religion, so this is all based off of research. leave kudos and comments if you like the fic because i’m starved for attention lol

for calum hood, church was different. many people went to church because they felt they had to, or needed to, or their parents made them. calum's parents had never made him go to church, although they were catholic. they had always given him the option, but calum never wanted to be separated from them, so he went everywhere they went. wednesday and sunday had always been church days. he would spend all day at school wednesday talking about how excited he was to attend the service that night, and his whole weekend would be devoted to looking forward to sunday. his sister had always told him he'd needed friends, but honestly, calum hadn't found a better friend than god himself. 

he'd known everyone in town, and conversely, everyone had known him. people weren't eager to hang out with a man who devoted his every waking moment to god, and calum could only wonder why not. he'd never begged for someone to talk to him; he had his parents, his dog, and god. he didn't think he had any spaces left for people who would just leave him anyway. he didn't do anything on the weekends except go to church, so why were friends necessary?

which, he'd remembered excitedly, was today. his eyes shot open at 6 am, like clockwork, and he'd hopped in the shower, humming his favorite worship songs as he washed up and styled his hair. he put on his favorite green and blue plaid button up, and a nice pair of khakis. when he put on his brown dress shoes, he realized that it was only 8 am. he spent the remaining time reading his pocket bible and looking up the lyrics to his favorite worship songs.

when they got to the church, calum eagerly waved hello to the greeter, who waved and chirped "hello, calum!" calum walked in first, dipped his hand in the water, and made the sign of the cross. he then walked to the altar and bowed before it, truly thinking how thankful he was to have someone like god in his life. he found his usual spot: the pew at the front, leftmost. he sat closest to the aisle, feeling the money for the offering shift in his pocket. he always brought a $5 to give; it made him feel like a better person. he stood up as the mass started, he felt that it expressed his attentiveness to the word of god and his readiness to carry it out. he'd heard that once, loved it, and rolled with it. as they sang one bread one body, he hushed to hear the beautiful mix of voices. how could anyone hate church? how could anyone hate being catholic? this was beautiful. this was what peace, harmony, and acceptance sounded like. after the song ended, he realized just how bad he needed to pee. he hated leaving the service in the middle of it, but he'd try to be fast. 

he quickly rushed to the bathroom, and groaned when he saw that the only urinal was occupied by someone his age who was just as tall as he was. the stranger turned around in the middle of doing his, um, business, and looked calum up and down. "you know, i don't care, but the usual procedure is to knock, and upon seeing the bathroom is occupied, leaving and waiting your turn."

calum's face flushed. "i- i just, don't really want to miss any- anything?" was offered as a lame response. ashton scoffed and smiled. "i could think of five million things we could do instead of worrying about missing _church service_ , and most of them involve me not even having to get my dick out. because it's already out. uh, yeah. do you really like that shit anyway?"

calum blushed fiercely and got into what could vaguely be described as a defensive stance. "yes, stranger, i do, and every second i waste listening to your deepest sinful fantasies, i miss a second of worship. don't you know that lying with man isn't godly? it's in the old testament. leviticus 18:22. i'm sure i'm not the first one to let you know."

ashton put his dick away. "it's only an abomination if god sees, and it would be gay of god to look into the men's bathroom. so, what do you say?"

calum stiffened, not wanting to admit that the boy kind of had a point. "god can't be gay, and i say move out of my way so i can urinate and get back to receiving god's holy word." 

ashton laughed before saying "if god's speaking his holy word, there's no way he can watch us right now. speaking of watch, maybe i'll just watch you get your dick out? i'm kind of curious- behind your awful exterior, i'm almost sure you're packing some grade A-"

calum cut him off, shrieking a "he sees all! get out!" before shooing the very disrespectful teen out of the single stall bathroom. ashton left and slowly walked back to the service before stopping, deciding he wanted to have a bit more fun with the cute flustered boy. upon seeing calum again, he walked up to him and shushed him. he pulled the boy into a closet area and shut the door quietly. he looked shocked, to say the least. ashton spoke fast. "listen, i'm ashton, and i think you're really cute, and i would really like to take you out on a date sometime. it doesn't have to be now- i understand that this is important to you. something about you just makes me drawn to you. i don't know what it is, i just, uh, kind of am. so, yeah."

calum rolled his eyes. "okay, ashton, i have a few things to say. one, i am not gay. it just isn't right. sorry, but if you were really catholic, you would know. and secondly, if you were really catholic, you would understand that church is important to me and i can't receive the gospel from the supply closet. please move. you're... kind of nice. but i'm not into you. or any man."

as calum passed, ashton leaned forward and kissed him on the cheek. calum's eyes widened, his heart raced, and he huffed before stomping away angrily. well, it was worth a shot.

calum was beyond angry. he couldn't even pay attention to the rest of the service, and that made him even angrier. this stupid gay teenager had distracted him from his favorite part of the week! he felt betrayed, violated, and sinful. was it a sin if he hadn't wanted it? he didn't think so; he would ask google later. something about the way that man carried himself aggravated calum. he was so confident that he was living a sin free life. he was sitting in the house of god flirting and making advances towards men! who was he to disobey the word of the lord like that? is this how all men acted? 

when he got home, he told his dog everything. sugar couldn't really follow, but she tried her best. calum, frustrated, decided to go on a walk. he ended up on the other side of the long, stretching cul de sac he lived in. it was T shaped, meaning he only ever stayed on his side of the T, and he was kind of alarmed to know that there was a whole other side. he got to the end, and something drew calum to the window of the two story at the very end of the cul de sac. it was ashton. he was... touching himself?

he had his phone in his hand, so it looked innocent enough at first glance, but the harder calum looked, the more he noticed. ashton was naked, there was a bottle of clear liquid on the windowsill, and he was rapidly pumping his dick. it was absolutely obscene, and calum was angered irrationally by it. he picked up a tiny rock from the sidewalk and hurled it at ashton's window before stomping away. he couldn't believe his luck; he'd went on a walk to rid himself of thoughts of ashton and ended up thinking more about the corrupt teen. it was ridiculous. if he ever saw ashton again, he'd make sure ashton was sorry.


	2. thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image

it was wednesday, and calum had forgotten all about ashton in favor of his favorite way to talk to people like him: youth group. he had friends there, which made him wish that his parents had the money for private school. as his parents dropped him off, he saw the very man he had been avoiding: ashton. he was getting out of a car driven by his mom, which calum found strange. sure, he knew not everyone's parents were together, but didn't they both want to see the minister and talk to him like his parents had? he hurriedly went inside and met with his friends before ashton called him over. of course.

he walked over cautiously, but all ashton did was smile and gesture for him to speed it up. calum reached him, and ashton predictably pulled calum into a side room of the church. "do you not know how to say hello and have a normal conversation out in the open?"

ashton continued to smile. "no, i guess not. why did you throw that rock at my window and then run away like nothing had happened? i know it was you. i know what you saw. you could've just, like, asked for my number instead of watching and throwing things."

calum rolled his eyes. "i'm not going to subject myself to another day of you flirting with me while i stand here visibly uncomfortable. i'm going to go share the word of god with my friends, if you don't mind." ashton blocked his way out. "actually, i do. what is your problem?" calum almost shrieked with laughter. " _my_ problem? you keep hitting on me when i'm obviously not interested and you wonder why the church has no respect for gay people." calum smirked, satisfied when ashton's face fell.

he became less satisfied when he watched ashton's face twist into an unmistakable expression of anger. "you listen to me, you piece of shit. the catholic church is the only church intolerant enough to still say nothing about the progress people have made in tolerance. so until you take a long look in the mirror and you really think about the disgusting religion you suck the dick of so much, don't say anything about the church's respect for gay people. you are an asshole. it's a shame you have to be so hot."

calum, taken aback, quickly regained his footing, pushed past ashton, and flippantly replied with something sure to piss ashton off. 

"i'll pray for you."

at that point, there was no hope of listening to the word of god. calum just sat in the bathroom angry until it was time to go. he exited the car angry. he went to bed angry.

he would have woken up angry, but instead, he woke up confused. ashton was in his doorway saying his name. calum slowly sat up, and realized who it was. "get out of my house. how do you even-?" ashton cut him off by handing him a slip of paper with his address on it, signed "love, mom." well, alright. "what do you want?"

ashton took a deep breath. "i just wanted to apologize for being so rude yesterday. i learned a long time ago that you can't convince someone out of religion if their heart is set on it. and that's not what i was trying to do. i just wanted to let you know that most churches and denominations don't have the hate that you house in your heart. and i won't apologize for being disappointed."

calum took it all in, digesting every word and thinking of an appropriate response. "ashton, i appreciate your apology. but i'm afraid i'm not going to accept it. you have the nerve to walk into my house and tell me how to think? not everyone wants to hear the word of the LGBT, and that's just how things go. i can't be like you, ashton. i can't. it's not going to happen."

ashton looked down at the floor dejectedly. "okay. but do you want to know something, calum?"

calum shrugged. "yeah, i guess, while you're trespassing in my house."

"you said 'i can't be like you.' not 'i won't be' or 'i'm not.' i think that's something you need to reflect on before sunday. see you then."

calum watched the door frame in shock long after ashton had disappeared.


	3. thou shalt not take the name of the lord thy god in vain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> smuttttttt... kinda

calum moaned at the feeling of a hand on his dick. it was foreign. he'd never even put a hand on it himself for any purpose other than adjusting, and he was beginning to wonder why not. as the hand palmed him through his boxers, he began to feel hot all over. the room was heating up as well. it felt like he was in a toaster. whoever it was took to tugging his boxers down his semi-muscular legs, and the cold air hitting his cock made him shudder in excitement. suddenly, his legs were folded up, and someone was putting their tongue against his ass. calum moaned loudly at the sensation of a tongue touching his most sensitive area. soon enough, the strange person was tongue-fucking him, and calum was practically fucking himself, grinding down on to the tongue in him. soon, a finger entered along with the tongue, and calum cried out before grinding down at a faster pace. the stranger pulled his tongue out, kissed his thighs lightly, and licked a stripe up his dick while inserting another finger. calum moaned, loudly, and came all over himself. it was the best thing he'd ever felt. the fingers slowly pulled out of him, and he looked up to see ashton. wait- ashton?

calum awoke, sitting up at the speed of lightning before feeling the mess in his pants. he'd had a wet dream. for the first time in his life. weren't you supposed to get those when you were like thirteen or fourteen? he was eighteen years old! he thought he'd gotten out of the awkward stage of his life thanks to the grace of god. he quickly changed into a new pair of briefs and threw the offending pair away. he told himself he'd try and sort this out after school. 

he had to sort it out in the men's bathroom halfway through the day, because he felt like everyone knew. the usual stares he got had more to them- they felt accusatory. the silence directed towards him seemed pointed today, and he couldn't take it. he sat in the stall, crying softly, before calling his mom and saying they were going to have an active shooter drill and he already knew what to do. she picked him up after.

she went back to work, leaving calum to sit on the couch by himself, thoughts racing in his head. he just sat there until he heard a knock on the door, and then he slowly got up before looking in the peephole. it was ashton, who he definitely didn't need to see.

"calum? i know you're home! i saw your mom drop you off! i just want to make sure you're okay!" calum's stomach did a flip. he ignored it. he watched ashton for a little while longer, and eventually, ashton walked to his car and drove away. calum was in the clear. 

except, he wasn't. his head was still pounding and betraying him with the thought of the defiling in his dream. his body couldn't get over it and his heart couldn't take it. if there's one thing he knew, there was almost always someone in the confession box. he resigned to walking to the church and confessing. hopefully god would be listening and forgive him.

when he got there, he stepped into the confessional box and cleared his throat. in response, he got a gruff "yes."

"okay, um, this is a big one. but i know god will still love me as long as i confess. right?" he heard a "right" in the same rough tone of voice. he couldn't put his finger on it; must be someone new. 

"i know god is a little hesitant to accept homosexuals into his kingdom. he might not want to see them, and i can't question him. but, for my sake, i hope he changes his mind in the next sixty years, because i'm worried i might not make it with this burden on my brain. i just want the lord to know i am deeply sorry." he took a deep breath. "i had a dream this morning. it was a sex dream. and... um... it was me and a guy. someone i know. his name is ashton. he attends the church. he, well, he touched me- groped me- and put his tongue in some really personal places. and i- well, dream me, maybe- really enjoyed it. i ejaculated all over myself. but when i woke up, i panicked. i threw the boxers i made a mess in away, i had to lie to come home from school, and i pretended i wasn't there when he knocked on the door. i just can't stop thinking about how much i wanted to see his dick in the haze i had after i woke up. please... just, please tell me i'm still godly? how many hail mary's must i do? i just want to be back in god's good graces." 

he heard no response, and suddenly, the door to his box opened. ashton stepped inside, straining. calum's breath left his body. he felt... betrayed? exhilarated? maybe both? he couldn't believe what was happening. ashton shut the door behind him, and through the faint streaks of light, he could see ashton's dick straining in his jeans. his throat dried. his hands grew clammy.

ashton looked at calum with begging eyes. "please." he whispered, and grabbed calum's hand. he looked in calum's eyes. calum kept eye contact. ashton felt like he was defusing a bomb. he slowly moved calum's hand closer to his zipper, and once he got really close, calum looked away for half a second. ashton didn't move calum's hand anymore. calum frowned and sniffed. was he... crying? "ashton, if you want me to do this, you have to do it for me. i can't. you have to do it. i just- i don't- i'm-"

ashton leaned down and kissed him. calum put his free hand on ashton's cheek as they moved their lips in sync. ashton squeezed calum's hand, and pressed it lightly to the bulge in his jeans. he moaned into the kiss and opened his mouth a little. calum's eyes nearly popped out of his head. curiosity made calum curl his fingers around ashton's denim covered cock, earning him another moan. when he moaned back, he felt ashton's body visibly wobble a bit out of arousal. his stomach was pooling with heat, and ashton broke away from the kiss while still holding calum's hand to his dick. "do you want to see it?"

calum briefly envisioned ashton's dick, throbbing and pink at the tip, and he felt dangerously close to coming in his pants for the second time today. he got up quickly. "i- i just- i don't- i can't- no. no, no, no. i have to go." he took his hand back, exited the confession box, and ran back home, tears threatening to form in his eyes again when he couldn't will himself to be soft again.


	4. remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> fuck father garrison, btw

friday night was uneventful, to say the least. thursday had passed without further incident, and friday had no incidents at all. calum was grateful. his mind had been doing advanced gymnastics ever since the confessional incident and he didn't know if god would ever care about him again. he wanted desperately to be holy, but catholicism was unkind to man who'd lied with man as if he were women. leviticus 18:22. he hated that he'd had that memorized. was ashton an abomination? his mind had changed quickly about the man. he'd one from being mildly annoyed by his persistence to making out with him in church. church!

when his mind relaxed enough, he went to sleep. but his mind wasn't done yet.

he woke up again handcuffed to the bed. he looked up and immediately saw ashton in the outfit he'd worn thursday. he looked exactly the same; including his erection making it's presence known in the front and center. "so... where was i? do you want to see it?" calum nodded frantically, suddenly aware of his own erection. he needed something to manage the ache he felt in his member. it was awful; he wanted release. he craved it. ashton took his pants off, and climbed up the bed in his briefs. "put your mouth around it."

calum obliged happily, mouthing around the clothed cock, enjoying the thickness and smell of ashton. it was such a natural, manly scent, and all calum wanted to do was sit here and breathe it in. he stuck his tongue out and licked up and down the dick. he even daringly licked at the damp spot towards the side of the briefs where ashton's tip was. it... wasn't bad. he didn't really know how to describe it. he'd heard people describe it before, but it wasn't how they described it. was ashton different?

ashton pulled his briefs down, slapping calum in the face with his dick before calum eagerly took almost all of him in his mouth. ashton used calum's hair as leverage, fucking in and out of his mouth at a pace that was almost _too_ fast. before he could get any further, he felt a searing pain in his left wrist. he looked over, and suddenly, ashton was gone. 

it was one of the fathers from his church. he was nailing his wrist to the headboard. he went to move his right wrist to protect himself, but he couldn't. he looked to his right and saw another screaming at him. he couldn't hear the words coming out of his mouth, but he felt the spit fly from the man's mouth and the contempt this man felt for him. suddenly, the same man plunged a nail through his right wrist. calum screamed in pain. he was stuck to the headboard. he thrashed his body and his back came down on a hard piece of wood. he was dangling. well he was, at least, until two more fathers nailed his feet to the vertical piece of the cross. calum openly cried, pleading with anyone that would listen to let him down. he is a catholic. _he is a catholic._ the nails restricted his body from complying with gravity, and it hurt like nothing calum had ever felt before. and then when he saw more fathers approach him with a crown of thorns, it hit calum like a ton of bricks:

his church was crucifying him.

_crucifying him._

the crown was placed on his head, sticking and poking him as he screamed for help. he saw his mom and dad in the audience, applauding the efforts of the fathers. his heart sank. they looked at him, noses up, with disgust. he couldn't find ashton. he was screaming for him. screaming his first name. that's all he knew. he hated that that's all he knew about him. a soft voice from beside him said his name, and he looked over. it was ashton, also naked, also crucified. he looked weak, defeated, blood coming down his forehead and out of his wrists. that's when calum gave up.

as soon as calum gave up, he woke up. in a cold sweat. crying, terrified, ashamed of himself. he had been having yet another sex dream when it just... switched. everyone in his church was laughing so hard tears were flowing down their faces. he didn't know much about satan (except to please god so he didn't have to see him), but it seemed like they might have all been embodiments of him.

and then he ran. down the stairs, out the door, down the street. he knew where he was running. he was in his underwear. he knocked on the door of the house at the other end of the looping cul de sac. he knocked again. ashton opened the door, concerned, and calum ran into the man to give him a hug. "are your p-parents here?" ashton shook his head. "no, they, they, uh, they left for the week on business. it's like 1 am; what's going on?" 

calum's face contorted into one of pure fear. "they crucified us." 

ashton was confused, and let out a "what?"

"they _crucified_ us, ashton!" calum screamed. "they nailed our wrists to the cross, put the crown of thorns on our heads, they laughed at us while father garrison denounced and demeaned the very reasons we were alive in the first place! we died, ashton! we _fucking_ died! he didn't save us! in fact, he ordered it to happen to us! the scariest part was... was... looking over and seeing that you were already basically dead... ashton. ashton! i was screaming for you! my parents were laughing at both of us! no one was going to help us! we were on our own!"

ashton stayed quiet and looked... scared, frankly. calum took that as a cue to continue, once he'd calmed down.

"we can't do this. i'm not supposed to do this. i am not you. i can't, ashton. i meant what i said. i can't."

ashton scoffed. "if that's what you came to tell me, i already-"

calum made a noise to cut him off. "you didn't let me finish. i can't do it anymore... after tonight. follow me."

calum began to drag ashton out of his house, but ashton stopped him. "you don't have pants on." ashton loaned calum a pair of sweatpants, and then they were on their way.

ashton wasn't at all surprised when they arrived at the church. he internally groaned when he realized that he didn't remember his hail mary's. calum led them all the way to the altar, and the crouched behind it. ashton crouched behind it as well, thoroughly confused. calum leaned closer and whispered his name, which elicited shivers from the older man. "i need to do something. we need to do something. and, if god doesn't strike us down during or after, and we don't wake up crucified, i will feel a lot better." he licked the shell of ashton's ear, and the shivers turned into a full on shudder. ashton got on his knees over calum and captured his lips in a passionate kiss. he immediately straddled calum and laid him down. calum balled up ashton's shirt for a second, before deciding against it and running his hands under ashton's shirt. his skin was smooth, and he was surprisingly fit. ashton moaned and licked calum's lip before tangling his tongue with calum's. both men moaned, and calum's dick was already hard. ashton pulled away from the kiss, pulled calum's shirt up, and kissed down his chest. he licked around calum's nipples, and calum shivered with arousal and excitement. ashton kissed down his stomach, and then moaned at the sight of calum, hard in _ashton's_ grey sweatpants. 

"can i?' ashton basically stated, but calum nodded anyway. ashton pulled down calum's sweatpants and briefs, and calum can't help but notice how it feels just like the sex dream. ashton's eyes roll back in his head at the sight of calum's hard, leaking dick, and ashton immediately took calum into his mouth. calum bucked his hips at the feeling, and he wasn't even sorry, really. ashton then pulled off and pushed calum's legs up, folding him up. calum gasped, and ashton smirked. "i think you forget i was the one in the other confessional box, calum." calum smiled, and replied with "i didn't forget. just didn't picture you as much of the-" he gestured to his ass. "-type." ashton laughed, and said "i'm the calum type. and calum wants to be eaten out." calum threw his head back and moaned as ashton took a few tentative licks. before he could ask if ashton really wanted to, he was deep in calum's ass, fucking him with his tongue, just like in the dream. calum pulled on ashton's hair and ground himself down on ashton's tongue. he was cursing, tiny, miniscule curses, but he didn't really care. this felt amazing. when ashton put a finger up to calum's mouth, he took it in immediately, swirling his tongue up and down his finger before ashton cursed and pulled it out. he stuck it in calum's ass and pumped, which drew a cry from calum. calum was ready for two, and ashton even put in three before calum smacked him in the face and told him to get on with it.

"how do you want it?" ashton said, and calum had to suppress a moan at the sound of ashton's voice, all deep and sex-laced. calum flipped over and stuck his ass in the air. "like this. and i'll let you raw me." ashton's eyes nearly popped out of their sockets. "you- you... you know what that is?" calum snickered and turned around, winked, and spit right on ashton's dick. he rubbed it in with the precome, and before ashton knew it, calum was giving him an A+ handjob. that son of a bitch. "i go to public school. now get on with it. this is to ease my mind, not for you to probe my brain for every morsel of sexual knowledge i have, which, by the way, is more than you think." he flipped over once again, pulled his ass up, and felt ashton line up the tip with his hole, and he suddenly felt something come over him. he turned around, pushed ashton to the ground, and straddled him, before lowering himself on to ashton's dick. it was kind of painful because of the absence of lube, but ashton's dick couldn't really get any slicker without it, so he figured he'd just bear it.

meanwhile, ashton was in shock. the angelic, catholic, innocent boy he thought he knew was currently shutting his eyes trying to lower on to ashton's dick comfortably. it was, literally, the craziest thing he'd ever witnessed. once he sank all the way down, he smiled at ashton before grabbing his face and looking him in the eyes. "i'm going to move now. if you don't move, i will leave. you're never getting this again. you better act right." ashton moaned and then growled as his hips snapped up to meet calum. "you don't order me around, you little bitch. you listen to what i say. you already pushed your luck by getting on top, so you better remember who the fuck you're behind the altar with." calum immediately became more pliable as the thrusts continued, but that wasn't enough for ashton. he reached up and choked calum, never letting his gaze leave calum's eyes. calum pulled at his wrists, but ashton knew it was just for the aesthetic because he'd had toddlers tug him to the bathroom to help them flush harder than calum just did. he put a bit more pressure on the throat of calum, and snapped up with a ferocity that calum had no clue existed. "you want to act like you're some saint, they're all phonies. no one is going to strike you down and you know it. you could've gotten this a long time ago but you didn't. why? you wanted to appear hard to get? you're just a slut like all the other church boys." calum moaned at the insult, and his stomach began to fill up with the pool of heat.

"oh, you like that? because it's true. you're no better than all the other boys in the closet. you're a slut. a whore. the moment you met me in the bathroom, you wanted to get on your knees and suck my cock, and i knew it, and you know it. tell me. tell me you wanted to." calum moaned, and tried to speak up. "ashton, ash, i- oh, i... from the st- start. i wanted you t- to fuck me exactly like this. i'm a tease. i'm s- sorry." ashton got close and growled. "that's not what i _said!_ " calum quickly moaned and corrected himself. "i wanted to suck your- your cock from the m- moment i met you, ash, fuck, i-" ashton licked up his neck and jaw and that was all it took for calum to come. when he tightened from his climax, ashton shot his load inside of him. a minute passed before calum removed ashton's dick from inside of him. "check the supply closet for paper towels. i've got semen coming out of somewhere it shouldn't." ashton scoffed. "now that you've come, it's back to being holier than thou, right? be careful, calum, i might be the one to strike you down."

calum laughed weakly.

"i'd say you already did."


	5. honour thy father and thy mother

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the chapter goes with the plot. love that

saturday was a day of rest and recovery for calum. he didn't get out of bed, claiming he was feeling sick and achy. one of those was true. his brain, however, had different plans. he didn't want to betray ashton, because he had been so nice and dealt with all of his regressions accordingly. but calum had a duty to fulfill to god. he had to be honest and outright. he knew ashton would hate him, but he'd said it before- he had no more spots open in his life.

when sunday rolled around, he knew what he'd had to do. there wasn't a doubt in his mind that, to redeem himself in the eyes of god, he had to confess. but this time, there would be no box.

when he got to church, the first thing he saw was ashton waiting for him in the front of the church. he introduced himself to calum's parents, smiled at calum, and took his usual spot in the back. calum sat at his usual spot as well. before the priest could get very far, calum stood up.

"father garrison, i have to confess. i tried confessing earlier, but there was no one of importance in the confessional box. i would like to clear my name in the eyes of god and all of his children."

father garrison looked surprised. "calum, it is very unusual for you to interrupt a service. but, it seems as though something may be deeply troubling you. you may confess."

calum gulped. he was sweating. his voice came out shaky at first, but sturdied as he went on. "well, father, it seems as though someone among us may not truly love god. ashton irwin is a homosexual. and he tried to get me to listen to his traitorous ways. i need to- i need to repent!" calum began to yell over the noise of the crowd. "i must clear my name in the eyes of god! he sees it all! he saw ashton irwin pull me into the closet and speak his unholy word to me! he saw ashton irwin, the sinner, preach his awful slander in the bathroom while he was blocking the exit! he saw ashton irwin touch himself with his window open!"

the crowd began to look back at ashton, who walked up the aisle in stunned silence. he walked right up to calum, not daring to speak lower than a normal tone. "calum, i don't think god was the one who saw me touch myself with the window open." the crowd was silent. "i think it was you." there was a long pause, in which ashton looked calum up and down. the crowd was still deathly quiet. ashton scoffed. looked around. spoke. 

"i'll pray for you."

ashton turned and walked out under the glare of hundreds of people he didn't really care about anymore. it was _still_ dead silent.

calum, as much as he'd hated to admit it, didn't feel much better after he'd confessed. when the service ended, everyone told him how brave he was, and how god loved him, and how his repentance was marvelous, and other assorted things he couldn't bring himself to believe. he just wanted to lie down. 

he got home, made lunch, and slept. he was conflicted, to say the least. the sheer pulchritude of the man he'd just recently given something so sacred to was burning through his mind. but just as ashton was occupying his mind, his faith was doubling the burning. the reactions of the church. calum had just exiled his only friend(?) from the church, when ashton could have done exactly the same. calum was, frankly, confused as to why he didn't.

at around 10:30, he was getting ready for bed when he heard a noise in his room. he walked in, expecting a fallen book or something, but instead it was ashton. calum quickly shut the door. "are you crazy? did you scale my house? my parents would have just let you in! why did you feel like you had to-"

calum was cut off when ashton hauled off and punched him right in the face. calum fell to the ground, stifling a scream. what the hell was ashton doing? ashton got real close to him and whispered into his ear. "actually calum, your parents would not have 'just let me in,' because of your little stunt today at service. _half the town_ would not have let me in. what you did was incredibly dumb, but i'm sure god told you that. i can't go back to the church, and my mom almost kicked me out today when she got home. i really struggle to understand why you do most of the shit you do, but today transcends that. what's worse is that i still want to talk to you, barely. you are one of, if not the, biggest assholes i've met in my life. you know what's crazy? you do all this bible thumping, but you are the biggest judas i have ever met. you do all this bible thumping, but you hesitate to understand that god is love. you do all this _fucking_ bible thumping, but i've got a verse for you: galatians 5:22. take a real close look at what it says god has. have a good night, calum."

ashton went out the same way he came in. calum shut his window and immediately grabbed the new testament from his bookshelf. he flipped to galatians, and found the verse:

"but the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control."

calum's mouth went dry. ashton had absolutely outdone him with the faith calum had practiced his whole life. he felt numb. he didn't know what else to do (besides maybe cry or throw up, neither of which sounded all that appealing), so he went to bed. 

the new testament stayed open on his desk.


	6. thou shalt not kill

calum awoke the next morning, avoiding the gaze of the new testament still open on his desk. he knew what he had to do. he wrote a note- an apology note- and got ready for school. when he was all ready, he left the house with the note in his hand. it was a basic apology, with his number and his snapchat offered as a gesture of penitence. pathetic, but it didn't need to be a two page paper. or, maybe it did. but it wasn't.

he got to ashton's house and noticed only ashton's car in the driveway. calum decided to go in, maybe just to see ashton to read it and make it seem less pathetic. the house was empty- quiet, barren, deserted feeling. he went up the stairs and found ashton asleep in what calum presumed to be ashton's bedroom. he was about to wake him up, but calum heard tiny snores coming from ashton's mouth, and he felt his stomach flip. calum set the note down on ashton's desk, took his backpack and shoes off, and climbed into bed with him. he carefully observed the situation, but he didn't seem to wake ashton, so he laid on top of the covers, maneuvering himself so that his body was pressed against ashton's. he really just wanted to lay there and listen to ashton; maybe that would be enough of an apology? but the deeper he thought about the perceived context of this, the more he realized how exhausted he felt. he ended up falling asleep, and he'd felt more comfortable there than he ever had in his own bed, under the watchful eyes of god.

when he woke up, he saw ashton looking at him with a curiously perplexed expression. calum sat up and sheepishly apologized. ashton put his hand up to cut off any explanation, and spoke calmly. "at what point during yesterday's events- any of them- did you think that doing what you did would grant you access to my bed? after you played the requiem mass of the dead in ashton irwin's honor? after you had me excommunicated? after you were punched in the face at 10:30 in your own house? do you not know that you look extremely hypocritical right now? do you not understand that you have just betrayed yourself and your faith? let me tell you something, calum. the new international version of leviticus 18:22 states 'do not have sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman; that is detestable.' the king james bible's leviticus 18:22 states 'thou shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.' the god's word translation of the old testament says that leviticus 18:22 states 'never have sexual intercourse with a man as with a woman. it is disgusting.' do you think i enjoy being disgusting? detestable? an abomination? do you not know that you are all of those things too? this little sexual game of tag you're playing does not excuse the fact that we fucked in god's house, and his eyes were on us, and you are an abomination. you are disgusting. you are detestable. i've been this way for a while, calum. i've accepted it. it is clear that you haven't."

calum sat, stunned, for a moment. and then, like the flick of a lightswitch, he was up. and he was kissing ashton. it was gentle and hesitant, but it was a kiss. "shut up, ashton." calum smiled. "i know you're confused. i'm confused too. and if you think the risk of doing things with someone who _will_ tell the whole town your business is worth fulfilling your desires, i would say that you should. you should lay me down and use your mouth to do other things than completely deride me and my faith."

ashton was... confused, he settled on. calum, however, was looking at him with lust in his eyes, and ashton knew this was a bad idea, but damn, it was hard to resist the catholic boy. ashton picked up calum and dumped him on the bed before removing his shirt. calum whined and removed his sweatpants, exposing his erection in his briefs. ashton climbed in between calum's legs and kissed his inner thighs, accentuating the action with little bites. calum took a sharp breath in, only able to let out a little "please" in return. ashton pulled down the briefs to reveal calum's cock. it was leaking and hard enough to make ashton feel mildly bad, but before he did anything, he pulled out his phone. calum immediately closed his legs, and his eyes grew big as saucers. "ash, what are you d- doing? i can't let everyone see me like this! what-"

ashton put his finger up to calum's lips. "it's not for everyone. it's for me. you're absolutely beautiful. sexy, even. worth sinning for."

calum quieted and relented, but not before blushing and releasing a small-sounding "nothing is worth sinning for."

ashton took a photo, and then positioned the phone on the side table, propped up on a book. the angle was perfect. he started a video. calum's cock twitched as he watched ashton palm himself. calum had no clue how ashton was so hard just by looking at him, but it sure made calum feel good. ashton settled back in between calum's legs, taking his cock in between his lips before sinking almost all the way down. calum immediately moaned, thrusted his hips up into the air, and put his hands in ashton's hair. ashton expertly licked, sucked, and bobbed up and down calum's cock. calum was letting out whines and moans, occasionally saying ashton's name, which further aroused ashton. he put a finger next to calum's dick and sucked around both of them, and calum would've been confused if ashton hadn't removed the finger so fast and teased his asshole with it. calum let out a surprised whine and came down ashton's throat. ashton swallowed all of it, which astonished calum. ashton took off his briefs and motioned for calum to turn around, which he did. ashton grabbed the lube from his windowsill, and coated his dick in it.

ashton coughed and said "i don't feel like prepping you all that much, so i think i'm just going to-." before he could finish, he slipped his dick in between calum's asscheeks and grinded down. calum moaned and raised his ass a bit to try and help ashton. from ashton's sounds, calum thought it did. he continued to let ashton grind on him, and he was getting hard again himself when ashton tugged on his hair and pulled him up. calum moaned, and then his eyes set on the phone on the side table, recording. calum immediately tensed up, and said "ashton, stop. stop!"

ashton got off of calum and looked at him like he was crazy. calum looked like he was about to cry, and his voice backed up that assumption. "you- you said a picture. only a picture. do you know how awful it is to see me being handled like this? to see myself on camera avoiding and ignoring god?" ashton once again held his hand up. "there you go again with that bullshit! this camera-" he gestured to the video, still recording. calum stopped the video and put the phone face down. "is not god! god has better things to do than-" this time, calum cut him off. "god can do everything and nothing at any particular time, ashton! and he can see from the past, too! you are absolutely boneheaded, and so wrong! i can not believe _you_ are trying to tell _me_ about god! do you even know how stupid you sound? i'm leaving. this is ridiculous." 

calum got dressed and got his things. however, something was bothering him. he turned back to ashton as he was in his doorframe. ashton was just looking at him, his arms crossed and jaw set. "but if you could, um, like, send me that video? i would appreciate it- just to know i saved it and deleted it. it would make me feel powerful. i left my number and snapchat on the note on your desk. that was to apologize for yesterday, and i guess today. just, like, um, send it when you can?" calum sheepishly finished. ashton smirked. "maybe. i don't know if you deserve it." calum's cheeks flushed and he stood up straight. "i won't be begging for anything. so don't send it... or send it." calum turned around and walked out.

sure enough, later that night, calum had a new add on snapchat. not long after, a number with his area code texted him a trimmed video of calum and ashton in ashton's bed. he grew hard when he was watching it, and knew what he had to do. 

he found the number in his messages, and called it.


	7. thou shalt not commit adultery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> vague non-con if you squint for a second

surprisingly, that night, calum didn't commit any sins. he decided while the phone was ringing that he just wanted to have a nice conversation about lots of different things. it went like this all week. at least, until friday night came. calum, in absence of his parents, was bored out of his mind. he settled for laying in his bed and pulling up the video of him and ashton buried under many conversations. he grew hard just like the first time he saw it, and just like the first time, called ashton. except this time, it wasn't to merely converse. ashton greeted him with a very general "how may i be of service tonight?"

calum, hard as hell, only could muster out "i'm really hard. i need your help." ashton gasped as if he was scandalized, and whispered "are you going to touch yourself?" calum groaned, and settled on "i think so. i want you to help me. i've never done this before. i know the gist of it, but i want... guidance." he said, quietly. ashton sighed, and calum faintly heard a zipper and rustling on the other line. "do you have any lube?" ashton asked, which only earned a pained snicker from calum. "ashton, what do you think the answer to that is?" ashton growled lowly. "don't you get fucking sarcastic with me, slut. i'm helping you touch yourself. watch your mouth." the firm tone made calum harden even more and made calum's breath hitch. "sorry, ash, sorry, fu- uh- i-" 

"calum, start stroking yourself."

calum obeyed, grabbing himself just like he'd seen ashton do on monday. it was a strange and foreign sensation, but it felt amazing. not as good as ashton, of course, but hey, it would do. he was getting into a rhythm when ashton spoke again. "check your snapchat." calum quickly went to snapchat, where he opened a video of ashton's hard dick in his briefs captioned "your moans are making it really hard for me to help you." calum moaned again, at that, and ashton choked out a "want you to ride me. just like we did in the church. want to eat you out again. want to watch you come. you look so pretty when you come all over yourself." calum began to stroke faster, already feeling close. "ash, i want- want you to tie me up and fuck me. want you to hold my hands above my head. want you to spank me. want you to- to- to-" calum stuttered to a stop and replaced his words with a long, drawn-out moan to signal his climax. he came all over his stomach and chest, which he didn't even know he'd exposed. ashton kept working himself closer on the other line, but struggled to produce a barely coherent "send me a photo of the mess you made, baby."

calum's stomach did the flip again, but grew nervous as he opened snapchat. he took a photo of his chest, stomach, softening dick, and thighs. his fingers shook as he sent the photo. he knew ashton opened it before snapchat told him he did, judging by the moan, followed by "so fucking pretty," suddenly, his snapchat buzzed with the notification that ashton took a screenshot. ashton, even while close to his climax, still knew what was about to happen. "why would you do that? anyone could see that! ashton! i can't-" 

ashton cut him off. "calum, i'm not going to sit here and listen to you freak out, judge me, and then force me to show you once again that i know more about god than you do. just save it. do whatever you need, but save me from having to endure it." he heard the tone the two beeps that indicated the phone call was over. 

calum was shaking. not only had ashton screenshotted the first nude he'd ever taken, which he would have to atone for, he'd telegraphed calum's freak out! he immediately blocked ashton's number out of frustration and spite; he knew he'd unblock it later, but it felt nice to score a small victory. calum laid there, moving only to clean himself off and to look at all of the notifications snapchat was sending him saying "from ashton irwin," when suddenly, his window opened and an angry ashton climbed through. calum rolled his eyes. "save me from having to endure-" 

ashton stomped over, covered his mouth with one hand, and lowered his sweatpants with the other. oh. _oh._ "don't say another word. if you do, i'm going to come all over your face. or hell, from the way you're acting, i won't come at all. blue balls are not nice, church boy. now shut up," ashton said, voice turning into a growl. "and give me your wrists." 

calum almost came again right there. he put both of his wrists above his head immediately, and ashton held them firmly above his head with one wrist. he climbed on top of calum, putting a knee on either side of calum's body, dangling his dick in front of calum's face before clutching it and starting to masturbate right in front of calum. calum was overwhelmed, and he was sure it showed on his face, because ashton said "if you want me to stop, say the lord's prayer." 

of course, calum thought. what a bitch. however, when a drop of pre-come landed on calum's cheek, he knew what he wanted, and this wasn't it. "our father in heaven, hallowed be your name. your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as-"

ashton stopped, painfully hard, and began to get off of calum. calum, however, thinking fast, took his newly freed wrists and grabbed both of ashton's plump asscheeks, pulling him forward. at the same time, he opened his mouth, and ashton's dick slid right into his mouth. ashton moaned and began to fuck calum's face. calum was not about to let ashton win this, so he concentrated really hard on suppressing his gag reflex and not throwing up. it must've worked, because ashton's thrusts began to get erratic and off-kilter. he came, without warning, in calum's mouth. ashton pulled his dick out of calum's mouth and noticed that he hadn't swallowed. "swallow, or i'm going to make you get out your rosary, cut it up, and shove it up your ass like anal beads." calum furrowed his brow at the weird threat, but swallowed anyway. it tasted exactly how it did in the dream, and with all the weird coincidences happening, calum was beginning to think those weren't actually dreams. they laid like that for a while, before ashton spoke up. "you should stay over at my house." calum smiled and nodded.

"just don't, for the love of all that is holy, bring out the rosary beads."


	8. thou shalt not steal

as the boys walked back to ashton's house, calum asked ashton if he would set an alarm for 7:30 the next morning and take him to sunday service. ashton wasn't thrilled, but he relented after calum shot him the eyes that made ashton melt. they got to ashton's house, and ashton checked for signs his mom was home. her car wasn't in the driveway, but her boyfriend often took it to do assorted errands, so he snaked around the side of his house and peered up at her window. the lights were off. "i'm going to assume she's at her boyfriend's house. and there is no gospel there." calum stuck his tongue out in displeasure before entering the house. calum went straight up to ashton's bedroom, hoping that ashton would follow. he did.

as ashton entered, calum walked around him and shut the door. it was already pretty late, and he was still kind of exhausted from the earlier events, so he settled for kissing the back of ashton's neck. he wrapped his arms around the older boy's midsection, kissing just under where his hair stopped. "you are so beautiful. i know i do a lot of stuff that i regret, and then usually it gets taken out on you, and i'm sorry. i'm really trying to stop, and every day i see you i feel a little bit different about my faith. i just don't want-"

ashton turned around and kissed him. it was gentle, full of care, and made calum's stomach flip. ashton pulled away. "you don't have to explain yourself to me. i find that i am almost foolishly devoted to you, even when you excommunicate me." ashton laughed, a sound that made calum smile. "you aren't stupid, ashton, you know why i can't publicly do this. i have a certain... reputation, i guess. in this town. i don't want to take it out on you in an official capacity, like as your boyfriend. i would love to be attached to you, but i don't know if my brain, and, uh, you know, would allow it." ashton's eyebrows raised. "who said anything about dating, church boy? as much as i'd like to be your little secret sin, i don't fly under the radar. of course, i find that every time i think that, my certainty falls. so who knows, right?"

calum unwrapped his arms from ashton's frame. "okay, this church boy is going to bed. _your_ bed. look at that progress." he kissed ashton one more time. he laid down, getting under the covers, and ashton followed suit. calum suddenly had an idea. "hey, ash? do you think i could, like, explore you some?" ashton uttered a confused "what?" before calum clarified. "like, i just want to feel your legs and arms and stuff. kinda like a massage, except less pressure. i just-" ashton pulled calum down on top of him. "cal, you don't have to explain anything to me. do what you want. but i just came, so maybe refrain from like, all that."

calum peeled the blankets off of them and got off of ashton. he slowly kissed down ashton's naked chest and stomach, and kissed each of ashton's hands. calum didn't think himself capable of something so intimate with anyone, let alone a guy. he muttered a very unapologetic "sorry" before burying his face into ashton's briefs and inhaling. ashton let out a squeak. "sorry, ash, i just like your smell." he continued down ashton's body, kissing down his thighs and even kissing ashton's calves before pushing ashton as an indicator to flip over. he kissed up the back of ashton's calves and thighs, and then his eyes landed on ashton's ass. he wasn't sure why his mouth literally watered, but soon enough, he was asking "can i?" while half tugging on ashton's waistband. ashton stuttered out his approval before shutting his eyes and burying his face into the pillow, clearly aroused.

he gave ashton's ass a few kisses, ashton letting his approval be known with various strangled, muffled noises. calum had the urge to eat ashton out, so he did, tentatively. ashton was clean- he was always clean- but he gauged interest by hesitantly kissing closer and closer to ashton's asshole. it was strangely intimate, and ashton probably figured out the plan, because he arched his back and brought his ass up. calum licked lightly, pushing a moan out of ashton. calum eventually flattened his tongue and put some force into it, which had ashton pushing his ass up even more, uncharacteristically moaning and pleading with calum for more. calum kind of liked being in power like this. he stuck his tongue in ashton's asshole and penetrated the older man, which rewarded calum with a more frantic and excited moan. calum's head was swimming with arousal, so he pulled away and pulled ashton's briefs up before kissing up his back and neck, feeling the muscles contract and expand with every breath.

calum kissed ashton before laying back down under the covers. they both fell asleep, cuddled up together, not long after.

when ashton awoke, he checked his phone. it was 5 am. he really didn't feel like getting up in a few hours and going to a place where everyone hated him, so in his sleep induced haze, he deleted the alarm. 

when calum awoke, it was suspiciously light outside. he shook ashton awake, and ashton awoke with a sleepy smile. "good morning beautiful." calum smiled. felt his stomach flip. "morning. what time is it?" ashton grabbed his phone, and calum's eyes grew giant as he saw the time: 11:45 am. ashton gulped nervously, and calum ended up putting two and two together. 

"you turned off the alarm." ashton blinked and looked uncomfortable, but said nothing. "you turned off the alarm!" this time, calum got a timid nod. "why would- why would you do that! what is your problem?" ashton sat up to defend himself. "my prob- can't you just go to the next one? why is this such a big deal?" calum scoffed and got out of ashton's bed. "i haven't missed a service in fifteen years ashton! when my grandma died in 2007 on a saturday night, i went to service the next morning! it hadn't even been twelve hours! when i broke my leg falling down my stairs, i went to the emergency room saturday but i made them discharge me and give me medication so i could go to sunday service! my family got into a car wreck on our way to sunday service once, and you know what my parents told me to do? they told me to walk the rest of the way! so i walked! i have never once missed a sunday service since i started going, and now i've missed one because i was in the bed with a _male non-believer!_ " 

ashton sighed, seeing calum in tears. he knew better. "calum, i'm sorry. i didn't even think about it when i woke up, i just turned it off because i wanted to lay with you. i didn't-" 

calum shushed him. "i could've come back! we could've gotten lunch!" ashton timidly offered "why don't we?" as a response. calum scoffed and wiped his eyes. "because i don't want to see you right now, or for a while, ashton. i don't want to be involved with you in any way if you're going to interfere with me practicing my faith devoutly."

ashton was dumbstruck. "are we involved?" was the only thing he could say. calum just scoffed, put on his shoes, and said "goodbye, ashton." before leaving. ashton could only muster up a "please don't leave me." calum backtracked, and stood in the doorway with the same angry look plastered on his face. "last night was the best night of my life. sleeping next to you felt like a dream, and having you do all those things to me and with me, although mostly sexual, made me realize something. calum, i'm-"

"save it, ashton. this isn't a dream, and you can't fix this with anything. it's time to wake up. i'm leaving." ashton didn't have the heart to yell "i'm in love with you!" down the stairs of the empty house.

later that night, after his parents were done half-heartedly questioning him, calum began to feel bad for snapping at ashton. he didn't understand why ashton felt like he could just convert calum to... atheism, or whatever he practiced, but calum took it a bit too far. he tended to do that for god. he unblocked ashton's number, and began to get texts from the older man.

ashton, sent 2:00 pm: ephesians 4:2-3  
ashton, sent 3:00 pm: psalm 143:8  
ashton, sent 4:00 pm: ecclesiastes 4:9  
ashton, sent 5:00 pm: song of solomon 8:6-7  
ashton, sent 6:00 pm: romans 12:10  
ashton, sent 7:00 pm: 1 corinthians 16:14  
ashton, sent 7:01 pm: i'm not a "non-believer"  
ashton, sent 7:02 pm: it's just hard to practice a religion that doesn't want you practicing it

calum quickly pulled up his phone to investigate the verses. he knew a few of them roughly, like romans and ephesians, but he didn't know them by heart. there was just no way. he needed to get better memorization skills. first, he looked up the ephesians verse.

ephesians 4:2-3: be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. make every effort to keep the unity of the spirit through the bond of peace.

calum's throat dried. were these messages? was ashton seriously questioning calum's patience? ashton wasn't the only one having the crisis, and it was kind of hard to think about anything other about how by laying with ashton, he was betraying his own religion! he angrily typed in the next verse.

psalm 143:8: let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for i have put my trust in you. show me the way i should go, for to you i entrust my life.

 _oh_. this one wasn't bitter at all. calum began to see the correlation between the two. he hoped it wasn't what he thought, or else he might end up feeling horrible, which was a reoccurring event every time he made a mistake around ashton. he tentatively typed up the next few.

song of solomon 8:6-7: place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm. for love is as strong as death, its jealousy as enduring as the grave. love flashes like fire, the brightest kind of flame. many waters cannot quench love, nor can rivers drown it. if a man tried to buy love with all his wealth, his offer would be utterly scorned.

ecclesiastes 4:9: two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor.

romans 12:10: be devoted to one another in love. honor one another above yourselves.

calum sat, reading the verses that were so familiar in a whole other context. he was in tears. is this what ashton was trying to say earlier? shaken, he typed in the last verse, somehow knowing what it was. when he saw it, he spoke it, words rolling off his tongue so familiar and bitter. 

"let all that you do be done in love." 

calum's heart dropped, and his stomach didn't even flip. he had been awful to ashton from the moment he met him, and yet ashton was in love with him? he'd insulted his sexuality, played games with him, exiled him from the church himself, and ashton was _in love with him?_ he needed to talk to him. he got up and was walking to ashton's house when he received another text. 

ashton, delivered 8:07 pm: 2 corinthians 5:8

calum assumed it was another verse about love. he was somewhat confused. well, calum thought, he was punishing himself, so he looked it up anyway. when he read it, he gasped, horrified.

2 corinthians 5:8: we are confident, i say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the lord.


	9. thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor

calum was panicking. he stood in the middle of the street, staring at his phone in disbelief. "we are confident, i say, and would prefer to be away from the body and at home with the lord" was the most blatant use of a verse for a suicide note calum had ever seen, not that he'd really ever seen any other examples. where could he be? he texted ashton, even though he wasn't really waiting on a response.

calum: ash, please don't do this. i'm sorry, i'm so sorry  
calum: where are you?

calum stood, pacing in place, until he got an idea: the snapchat map. he checked ashton's location, and it was pretty close. calum ran immediately, not missing a beat. when he got to where it said ashton was, he looked up to find a dilapidated, crumbling building. he'd guessed that at one point it was a church, but it must have been a house that god moved from, because it was covered in graffiti and the obelisk at the top looked to be a real hazard, minutes from toppling over. calum actually hesitated at the entrance, but he went in after a dead ashton materialized in his head. he saw ashton, kneeling, body shaking, at the abandoned church's altar. some of the pews were missing, the cross was drawn all over, and the windows were busted out. the building was in bad shape.

he stepped closer, uttering a small-sounding "ashton?" ashton tensed up, and released a choked sob. calum made his way to the crouched boy, and touched his back. ashton jolted, stood up, and turned around, revealing red eyes and a tear stained face. "stop." calum retreated a few steps, and motioned for ashton to speak.

"calum, you think i don't know god. you think that i'm just nonreligious for no reason. you think i don't love him and that i have no reason not to, right?" calum cleared his throat, getting into his vague defensive stance familiar to these types of conversations. "i mean, i don't have any other reason to think otherwise, do i?" ashton laughed, a sound painful compared to the normal jubilant sound. "calum, it's times like this when i realize how much you don't know me. it's really hard to be holy for me. it's not because i don't want to be, or i'm resisting his holy word, or whatever reason you've developed in your mind. it's really hard to be holy when you prayed for years, in this exact church, that cancer wouldn't take your father's life, and he _still_ died! when he died, this church died, and my faith died. jeremiah 30:17 says 'for i will restore health to you, and your wounds I will heal, declares the lord, because they have called you an outcast.' jeremiah 29:11 says 'for i know the plans i have for you, declares the lord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.' where was that future when i watched my father weaken every day he stayed alive? where is the welfare in an inoperable tumor, calum? prayer didn't work, and it doesn't work. god just isn't real. he's not. i'm sorry you let the church lie to you, calum, but i am no fucking liar. my father was everything to me. he shaped me into what i am today: someone who understands that god loves everyone. proverbs 8:17. you still don't get that."

calum sat on the older boy's words for a moment, before timidly piping up. "john 11:26 says 'and everyone who lives and believes in me shall never die.' ashton, do you really-" ashton scoffed. "do not give me that bullshit, calum. he's dead. and you forgot to finish the line. john 11:26 finishes with 'do you believe this?' and i can not say that i do. psalm 115:17 says 'the dead praise not the lord, neither any that go down into silence,' if you want to get into some sort of sick and twisted bible verse battle. if my father doesn't believe, why should i?"

this time, it was calum's turn to scoff. "because you are your own person, ashton! you can have your own set of beliefs! i don't care if you don't believe in god, ashton, i really don't! but you have to understand, catholicism is the force that _drives my life_ , ashton. i am pliable, as you've seen, but i am not a damn pushover. if you want to denounce your faith, then do it! i promise you that i will not stop you! but you can not denounce _our_ faith. only yours. you see christianity as some sort of burden, and i understand. i don't agree, but i understand.” 

there was a pause while ashton and calum each digested the words the other had said. it was more comfortable than any of the conversation they’d had here so far. when calum spoke, the tension returned, albeit for a moment.

“but i have done some thinking. those verses you sent me- are you really in love with me?"

ashton turned pink. "well, i mean, if you really, um, look into it, uh-" he scratched the back of his neck, sniffled, and wiped his rapidly drying eyes. "yeah?" calum laughed. "you don't sound very sure, ash." ashton shot him a dirty look. "i am sure, idiot, leave me alone for a second." calum ignored ashton and stepped closer, wrapping his arms around ashton's torso. "well, i think you'll be glad to hear about the results of my research, then."

calum pressed his lips to ashton's. it wasn't like any kiss they'd shared before. it felt... sure. like it was happening. like it was meant to happen. it wasn't needy, or sexy, or hot. it was affectionate, sweet, and felt like it was meant to happen. when calum pulled away, he found them sharing a mutual smile. "the old testament was replaced with the new testament for a reason, right?"

ashton laughed, borderline hysterical. "calum, i hate to be the one to break the news to you, but you're the last one under the age of forty to understand that."

calum huffed playfully. "shut up, and let's get out of this church before it falls on us."


	10. thou shalt not covet

when wednesday came, calum was excited for youth group. nervous, too, but that feeling was being blocked out currently in an effort to suppress other negative emotions that would follow. his family, dropping him off, seemed to notice, and asked if he'd wanted to go home. calum shook his head, smiled, and hopped out of the car. it was decided. he was a new man tonight, walking into a church with a new man, and a secret others would kill him for. 

halfway through the group meeting, a group of guys came up to him. encircled him, really. the main one, calum recognized as zayn, sneered at him before speaking. "aye, calum, our friend says he saw you and that queer kissing in that old, rundown church. this true? because, if so, it looks like you were saving your ass that sunday service. not a good look for you. would hate for it to get out, you know? so many young ones idolize your devotion to your faith."

calum, ever the liar, shook his head. "it's funny that you would say that, zayn. it seems you're grasping for something to bitter about ever since i kicked you around every time we played league footie. _that_ is not a good look for you."

zayn, to calum's dismay, just scoffed. "alright, gay one, why don't you tell me the tenth commandment?" calum, confused, pulled it quickly out of his memory. "thou shalt not covet. did i pass your hetero test?"

liam, who had yet to speak, spoke lowly and deliberately. his voice was filled with contempt, and it sounded like he had run out of patience. "what does it mean, calum, you dumb, dopey son of a bitch?"

"it is an imperative against setting your desire on things that are forbidden. we learned this in sunday school ten years ago, liam. what do you want from me? what do any of you want from me?"

zayn spoke again, amused. "don't throw a bitch fit, calum. calm down before you faint. it's funny, because i see the change in you already. it seems the disease has set in. if you were still a heterosexual, _the way god intended you to be_ , you would know that twinkletoes is forbidden. ashton irwin is supposed to be forbidden. and you obviously desire him. you're as stupid as we thought you were. that really sucks. come on, guys. i have better things to do than talk to a fairy. if you can't think of anything, stay and chat."

calum began to internally lose his cool after all of them walked away (last of all harry, who locked eyes with calum; ashton had said he'd seen him on grindr). he began to lose even more cool when he realized that he wasn't angry at the insults they hurled his way. he was mad that they attacked ashton. he sat outside until his parents came to get him, and then ran to ashton's from the driveway of his house. he didn't care if his parents saw anymore.

as soon as he ran into ashton's house, he bounded up the stairs, busting into ashton's room, breaking out into sobs, falling onto his knees on the floor; a sick and twisted prayer. a catholic excommunication from the inside. ashton ran over, hugging a prone and knelt calum. ashton waited until calum spoke, knowing he wants the first word.

"today, at youth group, zayn and his friends came up to me and told me they saw us. they know about us, ashton. i can't- they can't- it's- it's so unfair, ash! it is so unfair! i have done nothing to them except share a moment with the man i love! it was so bad, ashton, because i wasn't even mad at the things they said about me; i was angry because they had the gall to speak about you. i feel so guilty when i think about how much i love you, and this is why! if people had seen the texts you sent me, they would kill us both!"

ashton took a breath, seemingly anticipating an interruption, but it never came. he started tentatively. "calum, i hate to tell you this, but this is 2019. nobody really kills anyone over their sexuality anymore. yes, there are hate crimes, and yes, it used to happen, but there are so many laws in place now that just won't allow us to die at the hands of a bigot. don't be angry that they spoke of me, dude. be mad that you used to associate with them. be mad that they didn't expose their true colors until something you can't change disturbed them. that is their fault. as for the texts, i was in a bad place. you saw me. other people did too, apparently. but i meant them all. i have loved you since the moment i saw you in that stupid church bathroom, and that's the gospel truth. i know its a short time. that fact is literally the source of my anxiety. but i can't help it. do not be sorry for who you are. be sorry others refuse to love the real you. i see the real you. i love the real you. people who don't? they're- man, they're really missing out."

calum smiled, wrapping ashton in a hug. as they pulled away, he pulled ashton into a kiss that neither boy wanted to abort. once he finally pulled away, though, he looked into ashton's eyes. "i made the right choice." ashton, puzzled, shot him a look. "i made the right choice by being yours, ashton. this may have been a bad night, but i have to go to church sunday. imagine their faces when they see my ass walk in like nothing happened. just because some people know doesn't mean i should stay home and never show my face. if the worst comes true, i can just move to another church." 

calum knew he’d made the right decision when, on sunday, ashton’s car stopped a block away from calum’s church at 8 am. ashton kissed calum, and let him out of the car. “enjoy the service, love.” calum smiled and blew a kiss to ashton even though he’s only inches away. “i can repent for this. i know the first commandment is ‘thou shalt have no other gods before me’, but i feel like you’re getting pretty close to upending him.” calum walked away with a smile. ashton stayed in park for a second, before putting the car in drive. he was lucky as hell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you to everyone who read this, i love you all, and i love that you let me share a piece of myself with you. read my other stuff if you'd like to as well :)


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